Meta-Mirror

Robert Dilts proposed to complement the three traditional perceptual positions with a fourth position that he called Meta-Mirror. The Meta-Mirror is a meta-position to the other three positions. From the Meta-Mirror, the relationship pattern between the third and first position can be explored, that is, the way the third person interacts with the first person – for example, whether they are overly critical. Dilts believes that reflecting on this interaction provides a "mirror" of how people treat themselves. The fourth position serves to explore this relationship.

To do this, it is helpful to abstract from the interaction of the third and first position, dissociate from the feelings involved, and explore this inner system from the outside.

Exercise Example

1. Find a problem partner
Think of a person in your life with whom you believe you have significant difficulties.

2. Name the behavior of the other (from the 1st position)
Imagine this person standing right in front of you, and you observe them from your position. Name the behavior of this person that makes communication with them so difficult for you. It could be, for example, "insensitive", "demeaning", "competitive", or "incongruent".

3. Name your own behavior (from the meta-position)
Then move into the dissociated meta-position from the relationship and observe your own behavior in relation to this person. How would you describe your own behavior? Is it for example "helpful", "angry", "anxious", or something else?

4. Note systemic dependency (from the meta-position)
Stay in the meta-position and pay attention to how your behavior practically relates to the behavior of the other person, triggers it, or reinforces it.

5. Consider new behaviors (from the meta-position)
Think about what other ways you have to respond to that person. Could you change your behaviors towards this person?

6. Name your behavior towards yourself (from the 4th meta-position)
Now I would like to ask you to take another step to the side into a fourth meta-position, from where you can observe yourself in this interaction. How do you treat yourself in this interaction? Note on which levels (behavior, ability, beliefs, identity) the reactions appear and whether they are a reflection of how the other person behaves towards you.

7. Position swap (from the 4th meta-position)
Check what it is like when you direct your reaction from the meta-position towards yourself now from the first position towards the other – and vice versa. Pay attention to how this swapping changes the system and the meaning.

8. Self-perception (from the 2nd position)
Now move into the position of the other person. See yourself through their eyes and perceive how your behavior appears from this perspective. What does the other person need or want from you?

9. Re-association (into the changed 1st position)
Return to the first position changed by the reaction of the third position and pay attention to how your perspective has changed.

10. Continuation
Continue to switch perspectives and add different response options until you feel that the relationship is more balanced.