Is it coincidence that we fall in love? – How love really develops

Is love fate, biochemistry, or a conscious decision? In this episode of NLP Podcast Stefan and Marian discuss the question of whether we fall in love by chance – or if we contribute much more to it than we think. The two NLP experts show how infatuation arises, why our inner mental cinema plays a central role, and how you can actively cultivate love – in new encounters as well as in long-term relationships.

Falling in love – chance or system?

Many believe that love is coincidence or fate – "it just clicked." Stefan sees it differently: "We can systematically influence whether and how we fall in love." He describes how, even in youth, strong feelings arose through thoughts, fantasies, and daydreams. This inner experience, he says, is nothing other than a trance – a form of focused attention. If you write, think, or dream about a person for hours, you unconsciously amplify the emotion.

Falling in love is therefore not just coincidence, but the result of inner processes: Imagination, focus, and emotional association. The more often you remember the beautiful moments, the stronger the feeling becomes – regardless of whether the person is really present or not.

The mental cinema of love: How thoughts create feelings

In NLP, one speaks of Submodalities – the subtle features of inner images, sounds, and feelings. If you perceive a person in bright colors, in slow motion, and with emotional music, you automatically create stronger feelings. Our brain hardly distinguishes whether something is happening in reality or is just vividly imagined. Therefore, just the memory of an encounter can trigger the same butterflies as the moment itself.

Stefan describes it this way: "When I focus on the strengths of the other, on what I admire, I associate myself into these positive images – and that’s how infatuation arises." Love is therefore largely an inner decision about where you direct your attention.

Stories from youth – love letters and trance states

Stefan recounts how, as a teenager, he was too shy to approach girls directly – so he wrote ten-page love letters. While writing, he immersed himself deeply in the feeling, visualized scenes in slow motion and intense colors. "I practically wrote myself into a trance," he says. This form of self-hypnosis explains why feelings can become so strongly anchored: language and imagination enhance the experience.

Marian adds with his own experience: A woman suddenly became irresistible to him – not because of her appearance, but because she helped someone else in a conversation. Her confident, empathetic behavior immediately sparked fascination. Only later did it turn out that she didn’t actually match him. This story shows: Infatuation arises within us – not through the other, but through what we see in them.

What psychology and NLP say about love

Psychological studies show that those in love perceive the world more intensely: colors appear brighter, sounds clearer, the environment more vibrant. Dopamine, norepinephrine, and oxytocin create euphoria and focus – but what we internally think, determines how long these states last.

Marian recalls the famous "36 Questions Experiment": When two people exchange personal, emotional questions, the likelihood of them falling in love increases – because closeness arises through openness. Language, eye contact, and emotional synchronization are therefore keys to connection. NLP provides the right tools here: rapport, mirroring, calibrating, and conscious anchoring can deepen closeness.

Reactivating love in relationships

Infatuation can not only be generated but also reactivated. Stefan tells the story of a participant who asked him to "accidentally" save her relationship. In the restaurant, he simply let the couple talk about how they met – and saw how their eyes lit up again. The method: Activating memory anchors. Those who bring back old love images, photos, messages, or shared experiences awaken the original emotions.

Simple rituals also help: listening to the first song again, visiting favorite places, repeating compliments. In NLP, this is referred to as "resource activation" – bringing past positive states into the present. This creates a new emotional connection, even after years.

The mindset of love – gratitude instead of possessiveness

At the end of the conversation, it’s about the inner attitude. Stefan says: "Fall in love – even if the other may not love you back." Because love is more than reciprocation. It is a state that arises from gratitude and openness . Those who understand love as a gift to be received and given remain emotionally free and awake.

The opposite is possessiveness: "You belong to me" or "I can’t live without you." This attitude leads to closeness and suffering. Mature love means being able to love someone without having to hold on to them. And sometimes, as Marian says, it is precisely this freedom that leads people to meet again later – because no bridges were burned.

Conclusion: Love as a conscious decision

Love is not a coincidence. It is the result of perception, imagination, and conscious attention. Those who can direct their thoughts and images can also shape their feelings. Fall in love – with people, with life, with the moment. As Stefan says: "Fall in love – you are responsible for yourselves."