Resolving Conflicts with Other People
In this episode of the NLP podcast by Stefan and Marian, you will learn how to reflect on conflicts, change perspectives, and create understanding on a deeper level. Through the concept of perceptual positions, you will learn to empathize not only with yourself but also with other people and to view situations neutrally from the outside. This makes it possible to resolve conflicts with more empathy, calmness, and insight. Additionally, the trainers introduce a powerful NLP format that allows you to transform even difficult conflicts and strengthen your communication skills.
Table of Contents
The Three Perceptual Positions in NLP
A central concept in NLP is the ability to adopt different perceptual positions. This method allows you to view situations from different angles and thereby gain new insights. The first position is the I-Perspective. Here, you perceive the world through your own eyes – subjectively, emotionally, and based on your personal experience. This viewpoint is often shaped by feelings such as anger or frustration when things do not go as you expect.
The second position is the You-Perspective. In this position, you consciously put yourself in the other person's shoes and ask yourself: How does the other person experience this situation? What needs, fears, or motivations are behind it? This position fosters empathy and helps to better understand the other person. Especially in conflict situations, this shift in perspective can work wonders, as it strengthens understanding and compassion.
The third position, finally, is that of the neutral observer. Here, you take a step back and view the events objectively – like an outsider, a researcher, or a 'Martian'. This position allows you emotional distance and clarity. You do not evaluate but observe and recognize patterns in behavior. This attitude is particularly helpful when emotions cloud your view of the situation.
The NLP Format for Conflict Resolution
The format for conflict resolution in NLP is based on the conscious work with these perceptual positions. It is often conducted with so-called ground anchors – notes or markers that are distributed in the room, each symbolizing a position. You start in the first position and describe the situation from your perspective: What happened? How do you feel? What thoughts are going through your mind?
Then you switch to the second position and step into the role of the other person. You adopt their stance, speak from their perspective, and feel what they might be experiencing. This is initially unfamiliar, but through practice, you develop a deep understanding of other people. Afterwards, you move to the third position, observe the events as a neutral observer, and reflect: How does the behavior of both sides appear? What dynamics are visible?
The Metaposition as a Reflection Space
In many cases, an additional fourth position is introduced – the Metaposition. It serves to reflect on the entire process: How well did it go to step into the various roles? What was difficult, what was easy? This meta-level often brings the deepest insights, as it reveals where blind spots or emotional blockages lie.
Emotional Integration and Resource Work
During the course of the format, resources can be added, such as inner qualities like courage, calmness, or empathy. These are imaginatively 'sent' to the respective position to open up new options for action. This allows conflicts to be resolved not only intellectually but also emotionally.
Practical Examples and Insights
An impressive example from practice: A manager in logistics had difficulties with an employee who suddenly resigned. By working in the perceptual positions, she gained a deeper sense of his situation – even though she did not know the exact reasons. She then calmly approached him again, showed understanding, and the employee withdrew his resignation. This example shows how powerful empathy and perspective shifts can be, even when rational explanations are lacking.
Another example comes from an inheritance dispute between siblings. The participant in the seminar empathized with his sister and realized that both had the same longing for reconciliation but also the same pride in making the first move. This realization was enough to change the situation: He drove to her, apologized – and contact was reestablished after ten years. Such moments show how emotional clarity leads to genuine connections.
Application in Everyday Life and Coaching
Working with perceptual positions can be utilized in nearly all areas of life – whether in work, relationships, or personal development. Those who learn to flexibly switch between these perspectives gain enormous communicative and emotional strength. This technique is particularly helpful before important conversations, presentations, or negotiations. Even a brief mental rehearsal from the perspective of the other party can avoid misunderstandings and lead to a more harmonious exchange.
In coaching, this format also provides a valuable structure to support clients in recognizing their own conflict patterns and developing new solutions. By consciously experiencing all positions, a deeper self-reflection emerges that goes far beyond cognitive understanding.
In a world where misunderstandings often lead to conflicts, the ability to adopt different perspectives is a key competence for peace, understanding, and genuine connection. When you regularly apply this technique, you will find that conflicts appear less threatening – but rather as opportunities to better understand yourself and others.
Frequently Asked Questions about the NLP Format 1-2-3 Meta
The NLP Format 1-2-3 Meta is a method for resolving conflicts and emotional tensions. It is based on the three perceptual positions – the I, You, and Observer perspectives – and helps to understand situations from different angles. This creates more empathy, clarity, and inner balance.
You first go through the situation from your own perspective (1st position), then from the perspective of the other person (2nd position), and finally as a neutral observer (3rd position). This conscious shift in perspective promotes understanding and allows you to view conflicts with more calmness and foresight.
The format is suitable for anyone who wants to improve their communication skills, reflect on conflicts, or gain emotional clarity – whether in work, relationships, or coaching. Coaches, trainers, and leaders particularly benefit from this technique.
You can mentally apply the format at any time: Take a moment to view the situation from all three perspectives. Ask yourself how the other person thinks, what you need, and what a neutral observer would see. This exercise promotes calmness and understanding – even in stressful moments.
The Metaposition allows you to reflect on the entire experience once again. Here, you recognize which roles are easy, where emotional blockages exist, and how you can behave more consciously in difficult situations in the future. This reflection deepens personal growth.