NLP in Dealing with Children

A practical example to start with

“I can’t do this!”, “I don’t belong!”, “Nobody likes me!” Such limiting beliefs often arise quickly in children. They are expressed, repeated, and then unconsciously ingrained. It usually doesn’t take much to steer thoughts in a constructive direction and simply try again with new self-confidence. The methods of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) can effectively help children develop stronger self-confidence and greater joy in life.

When my five-year-old doesn’t master the new magic trick right away, he sulks and says, “Dad, I can’t do this.” His lips tremble. He is almost fighting back tears – I recognize this expression in my son. He is on the verge of sulking and then not letting anyone close to him. Yet he hadn’t even watched when I demonstrated it to him. It was all the more important for me to bring him back into the game. For that, I need his attention.

I decide on a little maneuver. “Hey, tell me, how much is 3 + 3?” Math is his strong suit. He can already do calculations in the thousands. So this task is far too easy for him, but I bring him back to something he can do. I know he knows the answer. So I continue asking: “How much is 1000 – 119? That’s a task that’s much harder than the new magic trick.” My son laughs at me. It takes three seconds, then the right answer comes: “881”. I say: “Correct! Tell me, have you always been able to calculate so well?” “No, of course not, Dad.” “Okay, I understand. Have you always known all the dinosaur names by heart?” “No!”, “Okay, could you play soccer as a baby?”

Slowly, the penny drops for him. I have brought him back to his resources and directed his attention (focus) to the things he is strong in. In doing so, he has regained his self-confidence and is ready to turn his attention back to the magic trick. I demonstrate the trick to him again. This time he is attentive and understands the trick. Two minutes later, he masters it and calls his mother over to show it off triumphantly. He has had a great experience - “I can do this!” - which I let him anchor so he can remember it later.

Of course, this is not a secret recipe for all cases. But from the small example that took no more than two minutes, one can learn a lot about how NLP works and how simply it can sometimes be applied in everyday life with children.
Such beliefs are often crucial for emotional life. The belief: “I can do this!” triggers joy and self-confidence. The belief: “I can’t do this!” triggers fear, anger, and frustration.
As adults, we give children a great gift when we help them develop empowering beliefs.

Reflection from my experiences as a coach

A positive self-esteem and a corresponding positive self-worth are the most important foundations for a child to achieve a stable mental state that allows them to trust that they can cope with life and deal with rejection from others. Confident children can also defend themselves better.

I have been working as a coach for almost 20 years. In this time, I have coached many “healthy” adults. In most cases, one finds at the core of a problem a lack of self-esteem. Somehow, this person learned in early childhood: “I am not good enough!” or “I have to strive, perform, to be worth something.” This is the source of fear of loss, lack of self-confidence, and similar issues.

Rarely was the problem that something bad happened. That cannot be avoided. Accidents happen, people die, marriages break apart, and one partner moves away. In all my clients, the problem was never what happened, but how it was dealt with. Did someone support the child, take them in their arms, give them love and affection? These are some of the ingredients for a healthy self-esteem.

The foundation for our self-confidence and inner strength is laid in our childhood (probably in the first six years of life). Parents and teachers have a significant influence on children's self-esteem. The experiences we have in our early years decisively shape our self-worth.

When we think little of ourselves, reject ourselves, and belittle ourselves, our self-esteem is low, and thus our self-confidence. In general, one can say: The more positive our self-esteem and thus our self-confidence is, the more successful and better we can deal with other people, problems, and life.

Children who are frequently criticized quickly feel that they are not okay and inferior. When children feel they can’t do anything right, are often teased and punished, are frequently compared to others, and are expected to always do everything right to be accepted, they inevitably develop low self-esteem.

Our goal should therefore be to strengthen our children's self-confidence and self-esteem. This is the basis for their future. Only in this way can they later in life successfully and happily pursue their own paths.

I found a very nice text on this by Helga Schachinger at Heimsoeth (2013):

Strategies to increase self-esteem

1. Increase your own self-esteem

We can only convey something convincingly that we also possess ourselves. If we want to increase a child's self-esteem and self-confidence, we should also have a high level of it ourselves. If we cannot handle criticism or mistakes ourselves, it will be difficult for the child to learn to handle it differently. Americans say, “walk your talk.” Behave as you say. Otherwise, we quickly become unbelievable to children.

Our own beliefs about children influence how they develop. In psychology, there is the famous Pygmalion effect. As Rosenthal and Jacobson (1971) found, teachers' expectations influence their students' performance, even if the students are unaware of it.

Use the following steps to build your own self-esteem:

1. Make a list of as many positive traits and characteristics about yourself as possible. Read this list regularly.
2. What do other people praise you for the most? If you don’t find much, just ask others what they think positively about you.
3. Accept yourself as you are. Tell yourself: “I am ready to accept myself as I am.”
4. Remember situations where you were confident. Bring this memory back consciously. Our brain does not distinguish between actually experiencing something or just recalling it.
5. Accept mistakes and weaknesses and do not judge yourself for them. Instead, think about what you can do now or how you can avoid the mistake in the future.
6. Use the Mickey Mouse technique to deal with critical inner voices. In this technique, the voices are distorted so that they become ridiculous and can no longer be taken seriously.
7. Keep a gratitude journal and write down positive things every evening.
8. Establish a morning ritual and consciously ask yourself the questions every morning that put you in a good state, e.g., What am I happy about in my life? What am I passionate about?

2. Love children unconditionally

Every person needs regular emotional warmth and affection. This can happen through a loving touch or a smile. Affection gives us the feeling that we are loved or at least liked.

We want to be loved for who we are and not just because we can do something well or have done something well. It is most beautiful when someone likes us simply because we exist. This is also called unconditional love. When we receive it, our self-esteem flourishes. The message: “I love you, no matter who or how you are!” is powerful and does us a lot of good.

It is a great art to learn this form of unconditional love and to accept each child as they are. To embrace them with all their strengths, flaws, and weaknesses.

A famous quote from the psychotherapist Virginia Satir states: “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. 8 hugs a day to feel good, and 12 hugs a day for inner growth.”

To do:

• Hug the child once a day.
• Tell them often: I like you. I am glad you are here.
• Think internally: "I like you."

Exercise:

Hug another person or hug yourself.

3. Pay attention and build connection

Take time for each of your children and give them your undivided attention. This works wonders and conveys the message: I am important and valuable. It doesn't have to be a lot of time, but it shows the child that you take them seriously.

Actively show your interest in how they are doing, what feelings they have, and what they are currently engaged in. The child needs to know that their thoughts, feelings, wishes, and opinions matter.

Establish a good trusting connection with the child. In NLP, we call this rapport. One element of rapport is that you bend down or kneel to the child during communication, make eye contact, and in special situations even hold their hands to create an intense connection (according to the famous family therapist Virginia Satir). Then listen carefully to what the child has to say. This creates successful communication. Avoid being distracted during this. Do not engage in any other activity simultaneously and keep your attention on the child.

If you are stressed, let the child know, and later actively re-engage in communication.

Example:
I am on an important phone call that requires my full attention when my daughter tugs at my leg. I clearly signal to her with sign language that she should please let me talk in peace. She does, but she is not feeling good about it. When the conversation is over, I actively seek her out. I kneel in front of her so she doesn't have to look up at me. I take her hands and say: "I'm sorry, but earlier I was in an important conversation. Now I am completely here for you. What is it that you want to tell me?" And then I am fully present and listen to what she has to say.

To do:

• Ask the child actively how they are doing
• Establish eye contact
• Listen attentively

Exercise:

Find a partner. Open all your senses and perceive your partner intensely and attentively. Pay close attention to what they say. If you like, mirror 1-2 behaviors (for example, the sitting position or speaking speed).

4. Recognition and praise

Continuously find appreciative and praising words to boost your child's self-esteem. Praise the child for making an effort and trying – even if something didn't work out.

My wife and I may have gone a bit overboard in raising our son. At some point, he started praising us: "Dad, you did great! Mom, that was awesome." But perhaps this ability to praise others is very valuable for our son's future.

Catch a child doing something good and then praise them. Especially when parents are present, this is important. For example, say in the child's presence to the mother: "Johannes cleared the table today." The child will bask in your praise. Each of us likes to be praised in the presence of others. Be as specific as possible with your praise. Don't just say "well done," but say "I think it's great that you let your little sister play so well." The child then knows exactly what they did well, and their self-esteem will rise.

Don't we all need someone who occasionally tells us that they believe in us, who encourages us not to give up but to keep going? Your child needs someone like that too.

Praise and encouragement are not the same. Encouragement is about supporting the child. With praise, the child may feel that they are only good if they have achieved something. With encouragement, we can also acknowledge small progress and motivate the child to continue.

In everyday education, educators repeatedly send messages to children from which the child concludes how they are perceived and what we think of them. Children believe their parents, educators, and teachers, and thus they develop a negative or positive self-image.

To do:

• Praise and encourage each child at least once a day.
• Praise the children also in front of the parents.

Exercise:

• Whom have you not praised in a long time? Express the praise.
• Write a list and name at least 10 positive traits for each child. Focus on their strengths.
• Keep a success journal of what each child has accomplished on that day.

The Danish expert Dan Svarre ("You are unique," p. 98) believes: "Get rid of praise. It's not worth it." He argues that children want to be "seen, heard, recognized, accepted, and taken seriously," but praise always represents a manipulation that limits self-worth. An interesting thought that I won't elaborate on further here.

5. Give criticism

Hold back on criticism. If it must be done, never criticize the person but always the behavior. It's about the conduct.

So don't say: "You are a stupid/bad/mean boy!" Instead, emphasize the behavior: "It's not nice when you throw sand in Leonie's face. That's unpleasant. Please don't throw sand in anyone's face!"

Tell them, for example: "I like you (I care about you). I don't like your nagging." Give them the feeling that they are lovable and valuable as a person - even when you criticize their behavior.

To do:

• Think of situations where you need to give criticism. How do you formulate the criticism?

Every child is unique

Convey to each child the feeling that they are unique. It's not about one child being better or worse than another. Each is unique in their own way.

Avoid comparisons with siblings or other children. Comparisons are not good for self-esteem. They create in the child the feeling of not being okay and therefore not lovable.

Never say something like: "I wish you were like your sister, she is so diligent." This makes a direct comparison and provokes feelings of inferiority. But even if the comparison is the other way around, in the sense of: "You are much better than the others," it creates pressure to succeed. What if it doesn't go as well as the others anymore? Is the child then no longer lovable? Show your children their strengths. What are they good at? How are they different? There are many children's stories that highlight the uniqueness and specialness of people and (often in the story) animals. The ugly duckling becomes the beautiful swan.

The red fish Swimmy saves his black fish friends' lives by allowing them to form a school for protection against larger fish, and he is the eye in the school.

The field mouse Frederick is considered a good-for-nothing because he lies in the sun all day while the others diligently gather supplies for winter. But when the supplies run out and everyone is cold, they are happy because he can tell them about the warm rays of the sun.

Every child has strengths and weaknesses. It is important to recognize and utilize these. I will come back to this later. Make it clear to your child that you love them for their uniqueness. Then they will learn to appreciate themselves.

7. Set boundaries and try new things

Children also need boundaries. Set rules that they can understand. If you have established such a rule and the child does not adhere to it, then point it out to the child.

So if you teach your child that the board game should be put away after playing, make sure that this happens and that chaos does not break out in the living room again the next day.

The knowledge that some rules are unchangeable will give the child more security. It requires regular reminders from you, but soon the child will meet your expectations. Stay clear and consistent and show the child that you trust them to do the right thing.

Do not keep every risk away from your child. They need opportunities to try something new – to take a risk and possibly fail. They must learn to assess and accept risks in order to be successful. Of course, there is an appropriate framework for this. Do not intervene immediately if the child does not discover a solution right away. Be patient and let them first try the new thing themselves. If they find the solution themselves, their self-confidence will be strengthened. Find a good balance between "giving the child freedom" and "I will do this for you." Example: I play city, country, river with my son (5 years). My wife sits next to him, and as soon as he can't think of anything right away, my wife gives him a hint. He protests and does not want help. The term mentioned is not written down because prompting does not count. Instead, he thinks of his own term or leaves the field blank.

Teach your child that it is okay to make mistakes. If you make one yourself, admit it to yourself and to others. This way, you teach your child that mistakes can happen.

8. Active training of self-esteem

Show the children that they are not helplessly at the mercy of their feelings and that they can influence them. For example, if a child feels bad, you could ask them to close their eyes and imagine something very beautiful from the past.

Or ask them to imagine a situation where they were proud of themselves because they achieved something special. After 1 to 2 minutes, they will feel better. Explain to the child that they are not at the mercy of their feelings and that they have an influence on their mental well-being.

Encourage the child to try new things and give them the assurance that you are there for them when they need you. Offer help and support when you notice that they are doubting themselves or not making progress.

9. Do not overprotect children

You are not doing the children any favors by overprotecting them. In order for healthy self-confidence to develop, children must take risks at a young age and learn that mistakes, pain, and failures are part of life. If we prevent them from experiencing all of this, then the children will not be able to develop inner strength and resilience. They will then struggle to cope with problems that arise and will not adapt well to new conditions. As adults, they will not be able to handle crises and setbacks. They will lack resilience. Often, they become quickly overwhelmed by simple things.

Research shows: Adults who possess the necessary inner strength to master crises were emotionally supported and encouraged in childhood, had parents who served as role models for their resilience, and experienced that they were capable of making a difference. They developed self-confidence.

Self-confidence and self-awareness must be trained if they are to develop.

If we want to empower children, we should not spare them negative experiences! Too much protection and care in childhood prevent the development of psychological resilience and make them weak. Good mental resilience is learned in childhood and can be trained.

A very memorable story here is that of the caterpillar on its way to becoming a butterfly. When a researcher observed its struggle to emerge from the cocoon, he felt pity and helped the emerging butterfly. However, when the butterfly finally broke free, its wings were stunted. The help was not good for it.

10. Strengthening strengths - the PerLe method

Some time ago, Antje Lex attended my seminar. She has written a book about the PerLe method (see bibliography). It systematically describes how to develop projects in which the strengths of children are discovered and addressed. Of course, the strengths of parents and educators should also be included.

1. Environment:
   
   Gather information from the environment in which the children live. Which children have expertise? For example, through clubs (one child could teach another something they learned in the club), different cultures, living on a farm, hobbies, or parents' professions...
   
   According to positive psychology, it increases our sense of happiness when we are allowed to use our strengths. This strengthens the children's self-esteem because they are experts in something and can contribute.
2. Parent conversations:
   
   Educators should find out what parents think about their child in parent conversations. This way, they discover the positive and negative beliefs surrounding the child.
   
   Ask the parents about their children's strengths, e.g., "What are the child's favorite activities/interests?"
   
   Examples:
   
   
   • Aeneas knows all the facts about dinosaurs because he has a card game about them.
   • He can puzzle very well and for a long time.
   • Aeneas loves the show: "Go Wild Mission Wilderness" and therefore knows many details about various animals.
   • He is interested in planets and their surface characteristics.
3. Conversations with the child themselves:
   
   What are you good at? What friends do you have? Don't interrogate – have a conversation. Sandra is good at magic. At the next summer festival, she will perform a magic trick.
   
   Aeneas knows the verses of the song "Lichterkinder" by heart – he is allowed to recite them during the St. Martin's parade.
4. Of course, also include your own observations that you have noted down.
   
   Pay attention to what the children are playing (e.g., princess, Indian). If you are not sure, then ask them.

Exercises on strengths

It makes sense to make children aware of their strengths and those of other children through games. For example, I had Aeneas write down his name, and then we searched for a strength for each letter that starts with the same letter.

I also like to tell him stories in which the heroes have certain strengths, and then we quickly get into a conversation: "Are you good at that too? Would you like to be able to do that?" or "What are you good at?"

We often also do fantasy role plays. He can choose a hero who has certain traits and in the game pretend to have those traits as well. Additionally, he reflects on what is more important to him and what is less.

Many more great exercise ideas can be found in the book by Antje Heimsoeth "Mein Kind kann's."

Examples:

• Give the children an Indian name based on their strengths. Of course, the child must agree to this.
• For each child, the group creates a resource-oriented slogan, e.g., Karl, the great kicker, always scores. The child could also perform a small presentation related to the slogan.
• The child's strengths can be represented like fruits on a tree. This way, the children become aware of how many strengths they have.
• Alternatively, trace your own hands and then write a strength for each finger. And much more.

Learning NLP

Perhaps you have become a little curious about NLP and want to delve deeper into these methods to optimally promote your children's potential or do something good for yourself and your self-esteem.

In NLP, there are many different methods that have one thing in common: they are highly efficient and they work. They have been modeled after the best experts in their field, top-notch performers. Wouldn't it be great to achieve mastery in many things quickly instead of slowly? Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could model every great achievement you encounter and apply the strategy yourself the very next day? All of this is possible. For this, there is the NLP trainings. Here you will learn numerous existing NLP strategies to apply and discover further new strategies to incorporate into your life. Therefore, NLP is not just another method but a meta-method – an approach that can optimize all other methods.

The next step

To optimally benefit from the methods of NLP, I recommend that you start your journey right away. Take a look at our website and sign up for one of our free online seminars or live evening seminars. We have locations in numerous major German cities. Just drop by one of those evenings.

I wish you much joy and a great boost in self-esteem for your children.

Warm regards
Stephan Landsiedel