The Reframe GAME

Who exactly wants YOU to change — and WHY?

– Evan Bortnick

Reframing is one of the most powerful and frequently used concepts in NLP! The ability to look at things from a different perspective is the essence of “thinking outside the box.” That’s why it’s so valuable to understand and practice reframing at a mastery level. On one hand, high-level reframing gives clients and friends deep insights into the processes of human maturity. On the other, it provides us with an important understanding of the different contexts of personal development. In other words — and as a question: in which areas of life is precise reframing like winning the lottery, and in which is it a different kind of rationalization, sublimation, or even repression?

Sigmund Freud defined neurosis as an “intolerance of ambiguity.” Whenever there’s more than one explanation, interpretation, meaning, or causal attribution, ambiguity increases. By that definition, good reframing is an anti-neurosis program. Mental health and vitality rest precisely on the ability to hold more than one interpretation at a time. But not always. Too much — and we become disoriented. Too little — and we become rigid and narrow-minded. In balanced doses, we stay mentally fit and healthy well into old age.

Of course, it depends on WHY we’re doing it — or letting it be done to us. When politicians, advertisers, or dogmatic religious people try to sneak reframes into our core beliefs, we usually respond with healthy defense mechanisms. That is, when someone tries to question our sensory experiences without permission, we set necessary boundaries against such negative manipulation. And that’s what reframing — and NLP overall — is truly about: do we have permission? Do we have a contract? With such powerful tools as reframing, we must always ask ourselves exactly WHY we are using them.

"Panta Rei" in Ancient Greek (πάντα ῥεῖ) means "Everything flows." We are constantly changing. The real question is: who or what directs that process?
One of the strongest NLP presuppositions is that we can take much more control of our changes than we first imagine. It also means that, if we choose, other people can contribute powerfully to that change.

There are many good reasons to do so — and sometimes, good reasons not to take control, but instead to "go with the flow" or to "let it happen." When one or the other? However we answer that question, reframing plays a crucial role in the process. It’s also important to understand the clear and conscious distinctions within change itself.

Change for YOURSELF.
Change for ME.
Change for US.
Change for IT.

Undoubtedly, we all go through all four variations. Gaining clarity about when and why can save enormous time and energy. Making a change for yourself is natural for NLP practitioners and for anyone curious about learning and growth.
Changing for someone else, in its highest form, is an act of love. Anyone who has loved and been loved knows that sometimes it’s appropriate to change for another person. “I’m sorry. I will change. I will do better.” These are often the most healing words in a relationship.

In another frame, asking someone else to change is often an important act of setting boundaries. “Change for us” refers to what’s known as peer pressure and the pull of group dynamics — when individuals change to support the group. Sometimes that’s healthy and appropriate — for both the group and the individual. More often (I’d argue) it’s simply a mindless and foolish attempt to pull individuals down to the group’s shallow level — only slightly exaggerated.

Imagine the following experiment:

A large cage with six monkeys. Inside, a staircase leading up. At the top hangs a bunch of bananas. Naturally, the monkeys want to climb up and get the bananas. But as soon as they reach the second step, they’re sprayed painfully with cold water, so they can’t reach the bananas. This happens two or three times. After that, the monkeys stop trying.

Then one monkey is removed and replaced with a new one. Of course, the new monkey tries to go for the bananas. He too gets sprayed — along with the others — and soon he also stops trying. Then the procedure repeats: another old monkey is replaced by a new one. But this time, something different happens: as soon as the new monkey tries to approach the stairs, the other five beat him up. They don’t want to be sprayed again. The process continues until none of the original six remain in the cage. The water sprayer has long been turned off. Still, every time a new monkey comes near the stairs, he’s attacked. No one knows why… “That’s just how we do it here.”

Sound familiar?

As said before, clarity about the WHY makes all the difference.

Changing for “It” can mean examples like: “Please, no street shoes in the dance hall,” or “Socks only in the yoga room.” Another familiar one — “Please speak quietly in the library.” We could list a thousand examples for each of the four change quadrants. The point is that as high-performance learners, training enthusiasts, or NLP practitioners, we’ve developed strong awareness about the dynamics of change.

The problem comes when that awareness is missing! How many times have individuals or groups tried to make us change under the pretense of — “We’re doing this for you”?

That’s exactly the Reframe Game. It becomes a “game” of changing others through reframes — pretending it’s for Person 2’s good, when it’s really only for Person 1’s benefit.

This is surely one of the reasons why NLP has sometimes earned a bad reputation over time — because there have been too many attempts to create change without permission or without an explicit request.

In NLP training in general, and especially here at Landsiedel Training, there’s a strong movement toward clarity in this regard. Stephan Landsiedel himself and all truly skilled NLP trainers emphasize the ethical and moral use of these powerful techniques. It’s an essential part of NLP education.

Being true to yourself doesn’t just mean asserting yourself — it also means staying deeply connected with social needs and emotional intelligence. NLP trainings in Frankfurt, as well as in other cities — especially across Germany — strongly emphasize this self-awareness and emotional intelligence. For me, that’s the very definition of human maturity!

• Want to learn more about reframing? — Then check out our NLP Library now!

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